Bamboo Toilet Paper

Updated: Jan 7, 2020

Move over plastic, wood and paper! Bamboo is the rage. There are winners and losers in this eco-game and bamboo is a big, big winner. You can buy bamboo tooth brushes, kitchen ware, keyboards and, yes, toilet paper. This last is what I want to talk to you about - bamboo toilet paper.

Before we talk “bamboo”, however, let’s talk toilet paper.

It's one of the great mysteries of life. Why are there so many different kinds of toilet paper? Aren't posteriors all built the same way. How can wiping your rear be such a complex deal?

If you go to a supermarket you can find at least 6 different manufacturers each marketing at least 6 different kinds of toilet paper. There is, regular (normally single-ply), soft (two-ply), very soft (thicker two-ply), ultra soft (three-ply), and ridiculously soft (ridiculously soft three-ply). The last of these is similar to wiping yourself with a pillow. Louis the IV, who had his butt wiped for him, would have loved it.

Then, of course, there is the dreaded half-ply toilet paper. This material is so thin that there is only paper on one side. It is entirely two-dimensional. It is necessary to apply at least a half a roll to get the job done. This product is not sold in stores. You can only find it in very cheap motels and in the bathrooms of particle physicists who are always mesmerized by singularities of this nature.

In Switzerland I got to use a bedet. For those of you unfamiliar with a bedet, it's a toilet with kind of a squirt gun installed in it. It was a little weird at first but then I got to like it. It did a good job. In the future, to save water, maybe they'll use lasers of some kind? I think a laser could do the job but it would have to be expertly calibrated.

In the meantime we use toilet paper which is one of the most environmentally unfriendly paper products around. The number of trees slaughtered and